


River Cocytus

by orphan_account



Category: Naruto
Genre: ANBU - Freeform, Alcohol, Anbu Hatake Kakashi, Anbu Uchiha Itachi, Anbu Yamato | Tenzou, Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Death, If I have to single-handedly write team ro content then bitch I WILL, Kakashi is an asshole sometimes- it’s the trauma, M/M, Murder, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Team Bonding, Team Dynamics, Team Ro, They are such sad traumatized babies I’d die for them, Underage Drinking, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-20
Updated: 2019-02-28
Packaged: 2019-09-23 09:56:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,847
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17078150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: After a particularly difficult mission in the Land of Frost, Kakashi would like to go home.





	1. Caina

**Author's Note:**

> Lol Lauren said “sounds like the Ninth Circle of Hell in Dante’s Inferno” and I ran with thAT umm theirs more to this idk how much more I’m gonna write but Team Ro....team ro.....They....also I love looking at Team Ro art and uhh theirs two pictures that inspired certain parts of this fic I’ll link them if I find it neat neat okay they’ll be at least two more chapters maybe more idkkk yeah okay bye

“My sandal strap is broken!” Tenzo was whining. Yet again. It was daybreak, and Tenzo’s too loud, too shrill complaints were more jarring than usual due to the early hour. Kakashi gritted his teeth and continued walking forward without glancing back at the teen, a valiant attempt to ignore him. The sun was beating on his face, a welcome relief to the freezing night before and, the chilly air around him presently. He tilted his head slightly, letting it hit his face and warm him. It wasn’t near enough.

 

He decided he hated the Land of Frost. The sooner they were on the voyage home, the better. Kakashi didn’t really care if Tenzo ended up going home in his socks. He was alive, and he was uninjured. Kakashi had done his job, as their leader. He had completed the mission and kept his comrades safe. Now he just wanted to hurry up and leave.

 

Was that such a crime? One’s desire to be home? Simply to be in his own bed, and more importantly, to be alone. “That probably wouldn’t happen though,” Kakashi thought, frowning slightly. He didn’t wanna see him, not right now, not after this mission. Kakashi didn’t want to taint him with his presence. He’d never understand why his childhood companion was so insistent on knowing him, on being close to him, on staying beside him. Might Gai was funny, he was kind, he was good. Kakashi was none of those things. He turned his face away from the sun’s warm rays. He didn’t deserve it. Gai was the one that belonged in the light, and Kakashi belonged in the shadows. His frown deepened.

 

“I likely can repair it Tenzo. Let me see it.” His thoughts were abruptly interrupted by his teammates. He glanced back at the youngest of the three, Itachi Uchiha. He’d been his subordinate for a mere three months. Kakashi tried not to think of the hushed conversation from the night before. The day before. He had encouraged him, and then tried to reassure him. He tried to think back to his own first kill. They had been at war. He had been younger then the boy was now, a chunin at the time. It had been quick, a reaction to the danger at hand. If he hadn’t he would have died, or Obito, or Rin. He had simply wanted to protect them all. He couldn’t recollect the man’s face. Things were different nowadays however. They were not at war, this boy had spent most of his life in peacetime, and this was not a fight to the death, but a boy begging for his life, not much older then Itachi himself. Kakashi had known immediately the child never had done it before either. His hands had been trembling around his blade so badly it hurt to watch. Yet he obeyed the order without protest, one that Kakashi had only gave with his eyes. 

 

Kakashi had seen the lack of life in his eyes that evening. He’d looked inhuman. He had been propped up against the wall, sitting there stoically in the dark, staring at nothing for hours. With his little frame and long dark hair he looked disturbingly similar to a young girl’s porcelain doll, waiting to be picked up and played with. Kakashi considered telling him he’d done it, that he had told him too, but he knew deep down such things never did any good. They hadn’t for him. Sometime into the early hours of the morning however, after opening his eyes to see the child in the exact position he’d fallen asleep with him in, he had propped himself up and threw the words that he’d personally always found empty at the boy. It was a part of life, for them. It was orders. They had orders. He’d given him orders. It had to be done. Itachi had said nothing, not even shifted to acknowledge Kakashi had spoken. If the faint glow of the sharingan hadn’t been leaking out of those downcast eyes he would’ve assumed he’d fallen asleep. So Kakashi had gone back to bed. He tried to anyway, as he barked at his conscious that he had kept him safe and, he certainly would’ve been forced to at some point, better to do it sooner rather then later with the black ops. He’d done the boy a favor. The child would shove it into the back of his mind too, as time went on. He would move on and forget their face just as he did.

 

The child was indeed different in the daylight. As if to give confirmation to Kakashi’s thoughts. Whatever weakness the night has given him permission to feel was gone. His posture perfectly straight and face impassive as he looked over Tenzo’s shoe. Tenzo was smiling at him gratefully. “Thanks Itachi. You always are so prepared for anything…it’s kinda amazing,” Itachi did nothing to acknowledge the praise as the older boy grinned sheepishly at him. 

 

He really was taking to the role of captain easily. Perhaps he’d been wrong about Itachi leading, when the time came. Perhaps his personal hangups were coming from his own experiences. He was certainly being a better captain then he at the moment. Kakashi knew he should be the one making sure his squad mate’s equipment was in working order, and should be the one to remedy the situation if one came up, but he just couldn’t bring himself to care enough. His mantra rang through his head again. “They were alive. They were uninjured, and the mission was completed.” 

 

The mission was completed. They’d killed at least fifty. A warning to a rebellion faction within the poor war torn country, whose coming to power would be politically and economically a disaster for the Land of Fire. They’d kept order, and shown exactly what would happen if the countries people revolted. He had done his job. Snow started to fall.

 

He watched Yamato shudder. The child’s face didn’t change. He just seemed more intent on the task at hand. Tenzo looked up at him, his face contorted in discomfort and Kakashi knew what he was going to say before it came tumbling out of his mouth. “Yes it’s cold. Yes it’s snowing. No we can’t stop. Don’t act like a child.” The words came out much harsher then he had meant it, even he was aware of how they dripped with venom. Itachi didn’t look up. Tenzo looked towards the tree line. 

 

They could stop. They certainly could, but Kakashi did not like it here. This land, was not their own. They were not the heros here. They were foreigners, militants of a stronger nation bullying forth it’s desires. He could pretend not to know all he wanted, but the wind whispered accusations at him with every burst of cool air. In his own land, he would find a way to shove it down, their faces, the begging, the blood, and the hushed whispering. The lies he had used to try and reassure Itachi. The lies they’d told him. Out of his own mouth. What would Obito think of him? Of the man he was? He was certain he hadn’t wanted the future he saw through him to be full of blood, death and lies, but that seemed to be all he could show him. A wave of revulsion crashed into him. He didn’t know when his hands had started shaking. His subordinates were looking anywhere but at him. He clenched his jaw and whipped back around, wordlessly starting to move again. They’d catch up.

 

////////

 

The snow was intense now, blurring his vision and biting his face. It had been getting worse but he’d kept pushing, as if running through the vicious cold somehow proved something, said something about his character. As if punishing his body would somehow make up for what he was. “Kakashi, we have to stop!” Tenzo’s voice was drowned out by the wailing of the wind. He sounded far away. The roaring in his ears and the flurry of endless white made both his teammates hard to see. “My personal hell, fitting.” He thought, a small chuckle bubbling up and dying within, the icy air leaving him breathless. 

 

“Kakashi!” Tenzo’s voice was much louder this time up against his ear, desperation not hidden in the slightest, and his hand gripped tightly on his shoulder. “We can’t keep going like this, we’ll freeze captain.” He squinted over at the young child close behind Tenzo. He was shaking, but said nothing. The boy had not complained once, as Kakashi, in a fit of self-hatred, had impulsively trekked them to their deaths. Tenzo was right. They could freeze. In a selfish desire to punish himself he could have killed his comrades. The idea of losing another person that way…

 

“Tenzo, use your woodstyle to conjure up a place we can stay till this storm clears up,” he shouted over the storm, coughing. Tenzo obeyed immediately. A ‘home’ appeared from nothingness, dark and solid in a sea of shapeless white. They all stumbled inside. It was pitch black. Out of the cold the adrenaline started wearing off- and he felt exactly how cold he was. He shuddered, coughing, and started desperately rummaging through his bag before clumsily pulling out and throwing his heaviest blanket around himself.

 

Tenzo was lighting their emergency candles, pulling out rations and blankets while whispering to Itachi with a serious look on his face. He was clutching his shoulders tightly. Kakashi closed his eyes as he rubbed his limbs, trying to improve blood flow after being in such low temperatures. “Perhaps Tenzo was the one who should be captain. Perhaps anyone but me was meant to be captain, after a stunt like that,” he thought bitterly. “What was wrong with him?”

 

He was lost in his thoughts for a moment until Tenzo ripped his blanket from him “Eh? What the hell are you doing?” He jolted up, staring at the teen incredulously. “Pretty sure the kid has hypothermia, mild, but, yeah, it’s the least you can do.” Tenzo hissed out as he wrapped the child in another layer. It looked like a pile of blankets with a head sticking out, Itachi’s small frame swallowed by the layers. If the situation wasn’t what it was, it would be comedic, but he noted his lips were indeed a purplish blue. Their eyes met but there was not even the slightest look of anger or resentment on the child’s face. He was trembling badly though. Kakashi felt the all too familiar feeling of guilt jolt through him. Tenzo voiced his own mind’s whispers all too well- much louder then he liked.

 

“What the hell were you thinking? I told you to stop like, three, four, five times at least and you just ignored me…what’s wrong with you?” The last part didn’t sound like his internal voice however, as the genuine concern for him was evident in Tenzo’s speech.

 

He could feel Tenzo’s eyes on him, awaiting a response. Kakashi couldn’t think of anything to say, his eyes sliding back to the dark haired child in the corner, who had slid the blankets down and wrapped his arms around himself tightly. Kakashi thought at first it was another attempt to warm himself but, seeing the shadow of frustration on his face as he looked down, he could see the boy was trying to will himself to stop shivering. 

 

Yet another thing he was to blame for. He’d have to start writing them down, he was losing track of his regrets he had so many. Kakashi started rummaging through his bag, pulling out a bottle of saké. He pulled the cork out unceremoniously and took a deep swig before handing it to Tenzo. “It’ll warm you up.” Tenzo looked at the bottle, genuine horror splashed across his face, which Kakashi couldn’t help but smile at. “We’re not allowed to do that!” Tenzo blurted out. “I…I’m not!” Tenzo was so funny sometimes.

 

His father at the end had drank. Drank a lot. In front of him. Away from him. It turned his father, the reserved gentlemen he was into a stumbling self-pitying mess. It turned him into a stranger. He remembered a particularly bad night. His father grasping his hand, too tight, the smell of booze on his breathe so strong it made Kakashi squeeze his eyes shut. Slurring out apology after apology for who he was, how he was gonna fix things for him, and how he loved him so much. He’d been crying, pulling at him and all Kakashi had wanted to do was go to bed, and forget about the strange pathetic excuse of a man weeping on their living room floor. He’d sworn off of the stuff after he’d died, for anything that did something like that to a person was something Kakashi has no interest in doing. He never could understand why his father would desire a loss of control, why he would desire weakness. Until he died, and then her, and then them too. Until he had killed, and then killed again, and again, over and over until they all streamed together like an endless blur of blood and screaming. After a bit of time on this Earth and what it turned you into he came to understand his father’s desire to turn into someone else for a night or so. He probably was about Tenzo’s age when he first tried it.

 

“It won’t kill you,” Kakashi said again, grinning. “Besides, if your old enough to be in the Anbu you can have a drink here and there,” Kakashi said, chuckling. Tenzo was a conundrum. Unlike the child huddled a ways away the brunette teen had never had a problem putting his blade to someone. Tenzo fought and killed the same way a civilian might go grocery shopping, yet things like this caused him to lose his nerve. “Make sure to give some to Itachi too, just a sip though.” Tenzo’s eye’s widened further. “Kakashi he’s only ten!” “and it’s only to warm him,” Kakashi countered smoothly, and he could see from Tenzo’s expression he was going to give in. Tenzo took the bottle to his lips threw his head back, taking a large drink. His face contorted immediately. “AGH. That’s disgusting!” He coughed and sputtered, wiping his tongue on his gloved hand. Kakashi bursted out laughing, it felt good to laugh, he couldn’t remember the last time he had. He was certain it was before this journey. He’d have to thank Tenzo later, even if it really was just the alcohol’s warmth blooming from the pit of his stomach.

 

“Only take a sip!” Tenzo said in serious tone as he handed the bottle to the child. The boy held it and said nothing for a moment, eyes knitted together as if he was searching for the exact words. “T-This is illegal.” He was still shaking badly. “You need it more then anyone else. A sip should be enough,” Kakashi pressed. The child obeyed, his face not changing as the drink passed his lips. “You’d think he was drinking water,” Kakashi thought. For a person so young it seemed in a terrible way impressive. Tenzo snatched the bottle back, and practically shoved it back into Kakashi’s arms. “That was disgusting Captain,” he said, arms folded and face pulled into a pout. Itachi nodded, as if to agree with Tenzo while pulling a canteen of water from his backpack and sipping at it. “I suppose it’s an acquired taste,” Kakashi replied as he drank more, pulling his Icha Icha book out and opening it to a page he could read to you from memory. Tenzo plopped beside him, now staring longingly at all the blankets he’d given to Itachi. 

“I’m still cold,” Tenzo said plaintively, with his arms folded across his chest, still pouting. “He really whined from morning to evening,” Kakashi thought. Kakashi wordlessly passed the bottle back to him, not looking up from his book. He didn’t stop the teen from laying his head on his shoulder as they passed it between each other for the next few hours or so, it was the least he could do after almost killing them all. “I’m glad you saved me Kakashi. I’m happy your my friend,” the boy’s voice was unusually quiet in his ear, that special sincerity of a young child, who does not know they could possibly lie yet, layered in the tone of his voice. 

“Yeah. Me too.”


	2. Antenora

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Team Ro is still trapped in the land of Frost. Kakashi and Tenzo get drunk. Kakashi finds a way to pass the time. Mostly just hating himself, you know, the usual.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 🌶🌶🌶🌶Spicy alert.....🌶🌶🌶 at least for me djdjjdjd sad kakayama I guess Kakashi is just a sad garbage human being and Tenzo is just a baby with a crush trying to human and Itachi is dying inside wow I feel so sorry for these dumb traumatized babies...I’m...someone help them

Tenzo hummed to himself happily, his arms tight around Kakashi’s, nuzzling against him. Kakashi gauged it to be about 1:30 in the morning, and the storm was still raging outside. Having Tenzo beside him...he liked the warmth, and the physical contact more then he wanted to admit to himself. Kakashi was trying to read, but his eyes kept going over the same line again and again. His mind was buzzing from the alcohol. “Another thing a captain should not do,” he thought bitterly. “A captain should not get so caught up in his own sadness and self-hate he almost kills his teammates and then drinks himself half blind. He was starting to remind himself of his father. Though at the end of the day despite his myriad of flaws his father was still a better man then him,”

His eyes slid to Tenzo. He had rescued the kid. Twice. First from Orochimaru, then from the root. He understood why the kid adored him but it saddened him. He was garbage. Repulsive. Even if he returned his feelings, he could never love him. Besides, Tenzo didn’t deserve the kind of person he was. As cruel as Tenzo could be it came from a lack of understanding, Kakashi was cruel and knew full well what a monster he was.

However, Tenzo was attractive enough. Enough to...He was drunk, it would be an easy to overcome the alarm bells screaming in his head. It would be nice. It would be a fun way to cope. Kakashi already knew he was repulsive and that he would definitely regret this, but what was one more regret in the pile that already had hundreds? Thousands?

“Tenzo...” He muttered quietly. The teen immediately looked up at him with a small smile. “Captain?”

That was the only warning he gave before he gripped Tenzo’s jaw and kissed him, his mask still on. A pang of guilt went through him as Tenzo’s eyes went wide before immediately dilating. He was taking advantage of the kid’s feelings. He heard a muffled “mmpfh” before Tenzo started kissing back. Or he was trying too. He was a bad kisser, almost embarrassingly so. Kakashi assumed the only things Tenzo knew about kissing was from watching people on the outside, and maybe some seduction tactics that were in Anbu/Root handbooks. Kakashi couldn’t say he was much better, he’d done this sort of thing only twice before, with men from far off places whose names he’d forgotten, or maybe never knew. The entire time during those experiences he had thought of...imagined....how it would feel to do it with. Another pang of shame shot through him. Might Gai certainly did not deserve settling for a monster like him. His childhood friend wasn’t like him, not in the slightest. He certainly didn’t fantasize about Kakashi while being with other men. Yet another wave of revulsion reared up inside him. He shoved his inner monologue down, mentally telling himself to stop thinking about this while he kissed Tenzo.

Tenzo pulled away, gasping. He looked so overwhelmed. Kakashi’s eyes raked over him, registering exactly how wrecked the teen in his arms looked, his long brown hair splayed everywhere, his mouth left half open as if he didn’t know if he needed to ask Kakashi to close it, his face flushed a shade of pinkish red. He could feel desire course through him. Between shame and desire, he wanted to chase the pleasurable feeling, even knowing he’d regret this deeply later. Tenzo wasn’t some nameless man he could forget. He’d have to face this tomorrow. Somewhere in the back of his mind he heard his sensei’s cheerful voice warning of the two most dangerous vices of shinobi: alcohol and women. He wondered if he got a pass since he liked men exclusively. 

Instead of listening to all the screams of “Don’t!” in his head he continued. “Just let me kiss you,” Kakashi whispered, the words coming out much more forceful then he’d meant it. Tenzo nodded, and let Kakashi push him down. He pulled his mask down and pressed them into a deeper kiss then before, the little whimpers and moans coming from the younger teen spurring him on, he hovered over him, kissing his neck, Tenzo’s hand had found its way into Kakashi’s hair. His other was in his mouth, using it to stop anymore noises from escaping as he squirmed. He ran his hands all over him, before dipping underneath his waistband. Tenzo gasped, “W-wait,” He whimpered, his grip on Kakashi’s hair becoming too tight. Kakashi stopped and looked at him expectantly. Trying to regain a sense of composure Tenzo shifted, panting as he pulled Kakashi up to him. Their foreheads, were pressed together as he listened to Tenzo attempting get control of his breathing. Kakashi disliked how his huge dark eyes bored into his own, and Tenzo’s reaction to his face. It was open adoration and awe and lust. He’d seen it before on strangers, but the eye contact was a lot. Kakashi trained his eyes on the hickey he’d made instead. “I can’t believe this is real,” Tenzo slurred happily. Patting Kakashi’s face as if to confirm it. Kakashi rolled his eyes, trying to think of something funny to say, but alcohol, shame and desire were all clouding his mind. “I’ve liked you for so long Kakashi,” 

Kakashi pushed himself up, quickly putting his mask back into place as his lust was killed with one underhanded blow. Why’d he have to say it out loud? 

“What?” Tenzo asked nervously, as if he knew he’d done something wrong but wasn’t sure of what. “Don’t say you like me.” He hissed. “Why?” Tenzo’s lip quivered. “I do like you, I mean...I thought...” He trailed off, looking genuinely confused, his eyes trained on the floor. Kakashi ran his hands through his hair, shifting his ruffled clothes back into place. What was he doing? What was he thinking? 

He heard the tiniest sneeze from the corner of the room. His heart started beating rapidly. The kid was awake? How long had the kid been awake? He was laying as he always did when he slept, on his back, stiff as a board, arms folded across his chest. His eyes were open. Tenzo looked at him. Horrified. For once he was synched into Tenzo’s thoughts as mortification pulsed through him. “Itachi?” He called out softly. He hated how raspy his voice sounded. The after affects of what just occurred very detectable in his voice. 

“Yes sir?” Itachi murmured under his breath. The boy didn’t look at him as he said this, but that was not abnormal for Itachi. His face however, was bright red. “Are you alright?” Itachi’s didn’t reply, he shifted slightly to sit up out of his nest of blankets and crawled towards the rations. He was making a serious effort to look at nothing. It would be funny if Kakashi wasn’t utterly mortified. The boy pulled out a water bottle and slid back into the his blankets, pulling one over his head. 

Kakashi decided it probably was best to just leave the boy be. He was sure he’d read things. He wasn’t gonna let his mind go into how horrible it would have been if Tenzo hadn’t been himself by saying the absolute worst thing and they’d continued. 

Tenzo was putting his hair up and it didn’t take any genius to tell he was upset. Kakashi put his hand on his shoulder. “Hey, I just...” He thought about hugging him, but the idea died in his head as he remained where rooted he was. His brain was trying to form a sentence that projected how he was just a piece of shit who didn’t know how to exist, and Tenzo was a good guy he cared for. “You know I can’t...uh...I’m..I’m sorry,” He shrugged, hoping Tenzo would get what he was trying to say. The teen shifted away from his touch and stalked towards his sleeping bag, unceremoniously throwing himself face down onto his sleeping bag. He glanced back at Kakashi, the hurt in his eyes ebbing. Tenzo has been through so much, he knew how to compartmentalize such matters. They all did supposedly, it was an important trait when you killed people for a living. Though somehow Kakashi was the eldest and definitively the worst at it. Tenzo composed himself before speaking, the hurt drained from his voice, confusion however was still clear in his eyes. “Why don’t I matter?” This seemed to be posed more towards the air then Kakashi as Tenzo struggled to get inside his sleeping bag before speaking again. Pulling his blankets over his mouth his question came out muffled, but loud enough Kakashi heard it well enough “What was that then?” Kakashi didn’t answer because he didn’t know what it was. He had wanted to feel alive and warm and good for a little while and the opportunity presented itself. He knew that was no excuse, constantly using his own pain and his suffering to do things that jeopardized others, but it was so hard. This place too, the roaring wind outside still screaming it’s accusations, was bringing out the worst in him. He kept on telling himself keeping them alive was enough, but he wasn’t even coasting on being a neutral presence in their life. He was being downright negative. It was fine to punish himself, but the stint in the snow and now what he did with Tenzo was actively harming people he...cared for. He could admit that small bit to himself. He yawned. His vision was bleary. He waited till both forms stilled completely. He tried not to let his eyes train on either one. 

He sighed, he had to be better. He wasn’t sure he was capable. Maybe if he wasn’t in the Anbu, maybe if he could distract himself from the ghosts. Perhaps this was a blessing in disguise and bit by bit people would recognize how awful he was and would leave him alone like he deserved. Tenzo and Itachi looked up to him. All his efforts to cut himself from people seemed to fruitless. People seemed to be inevitably drawn to him. He was like a black hole, sucking people in and then them dying or being permanently fucked by knowing him. He frowned, closing his eyes and rubbing his temples. 

He’d apologize to Tenzo tomorrow. Besides, god willing the weather would change tomorrow, and they’d be on the voyage home soon. This would be just another bad thing he would shove down into the recesses of his mind. He threw his coat on and walked outside, throwing his head back polishing off the bottle. Yes, everything would be fine.


	3. Ptolomaea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The closer they get to home, the better Kakashi feels.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sjjdjdjd I’m SO sorry I didn’t update in so long like I know exactly where this is going but I wasn’t feeling it mr.krabs I didn’t have to write sad shit, more sad shit next chapter because this fic is sad and Anbu Kakashi is sad BUT! They last chapter will have like. A tiny bit of kakagai, not a lot it won’t be spicy I’m sorry but yeah Kakashi gets home and maybe Gai realizes a little bit (extremely) the Anbu isn’t the place for Kakashi...also a tiny teeny itty bitty bit of slight baby shiita maybe...anyway ya the boys wanna go home and I don’t blame them I love writing team Ro but it’s also pain...team sorrow...team angst....

Snow blew through Kakashi’s hair, blurring his vision as he walked outside, the idea of “Things are going to be fine,” Running through his head like a mantra. Despite the roaring storm and freezing temperatures he wasn’t uncomfortable, the amount of alcohol he had consumed was radiating it’s heat, and he felt comfortable standing inside the all encompassing blanket of white.

Kakashi knew he’d be okay standing in the frigid temperatures for a few minutes, his body had been through much worse. Besides, he’d been slacking on this mission when it came to them. The dead. He cursed himself for forgetting in the busyness of this mission, another thing he must do better. So he apologized to the wind about things long past. He whispered his prayers and apologies to the uncaring ice below him. 

“I forgive you.” He usually started with his father. He was easiest. 

“I hope you and her are watching over me sensei.” his voice was drowned out completely by the snow. He shifted, pausing before continuing. The last two were the hardest.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you,” he choked out. His head still turned downwards. If anyone was watching they’d assume it was that he was protecting his face from the cold. In reality it was his natural reaction to his own tears, to hide them. “I’m so sorry Rin.” His chest heaved. He wiped his face.

“Thank you for what you taught me. Please forgive me. I’ll...I’ll visit you soon.” His eyes were glassy as he finished, hints of despair in his voice. “Just help me protect them, you were a better man then me, please.” He wiped his face, squinting through the wall of snow. He realized it was clearing a bit. It felt like divine intervention. 

“Thank you.” 

He steadied himself. As much as he’d love to just wander out into the snow and never return, he had a duty to do. Not just for the living but the dead. He went back inside.

////////////

Kakashi woke up to his head pounding and a nasty case of nausea. He felt disgusting, in more ways then one. “Fuck.” He clutched his head in his hand, forcing himself into a sitting a position. Kakashi scanned his surroundings. Light was seeping through the walls of the shelter. Tenzo still seemed dead asleep, huddled into an awkward position. Kakashi rolled his eyes. Honestly how did he sleep like that. 

His and Tenzo’s packs were neatly packed, sans the blankets they were using to sleep. As if they had never stopped for the night. “Likely the work of Itachi.” He thought. The kid was odd, but definitely useful. Kakashi sighed, cracking his neck and trying to shake the weight of sleep from him. His body was screaming at him in protest. He forced himself to focus, ignoring the pounding in his head. With that he realized his youngest underling was nowhere to be found. 

Kakashi walked over to where the brunette teen was sleeping, abruptly shaking him awake. 

“Hey!” Tenzo whined, rolling over and weakly shoving him away. Kakashi leaned over and shook harder, a sympathetic smile on his face. He knew he was hungover, but he could imagine it was worse for Tenzo, who had never drank before. 

“Come on Tenzo, get up and pack the sleeping bags, I have to get Itachi. We’re moving out soon.” Tenzo cracked his eyes open, looking up at Kakashi. He frowned at him but sat up without protest. Kakashi got a good look at the hickey he’d given the other teen last night, and the familiar feeling of guilt pulsed through him. He coughed, moving back quickly. The previous position and their eyes meeting in such a way being too similar to the evening before. 

Kakashi got up, eyes darting away from the slighter male. “I’m sorry about last night.” He forced out, scratching the back of his head. Tenzo glanced up at him, throwing the blankets into the packs haphazardly. 

“Itachi won’t like that.” Flashed through Kakashi’s mind. 

“It’s fine.” Tenzo hummed, looking up at him with a small smile. He looked slightly pained, but there was still adoration in his eyes.

Adoration. It didn’t matter. He was disgusting, he was bad and irresponsible and people still forgave him. Tenzo would always look up to him. Why wouldn’t people see him for what he was? Kakashi felt sicker then before. 

“I’m not mad at you or anything Kakashi...” He sounded like he had more to say, it conjured up pictures of a schoolgirl with a crush, Ri-

Kakashi grunted an acknowledgement, drifting towards the door. “I’ve liked you for so long.” “Then Kakashi...let me tell you my true feelings.” Both flashed in his head. He quickly went outside. He swallowed weakly, letting a wave of nausea pass before scanning his surroundings. What attracted people to someone like him?

The snow had stopped. While it was still freezing, and the crunch of snow was loud underneath his feet, it was clear.

He thanked Obito silently.

He glanced around, realizing Itachi had left a trail for them. Unreadable to a civilian, or even to most ninja, yet to Kakashi it was clear as day. He followed easily to a lake, desperately wanting to put some distance between him and Tenzo. 

Though with Itachi too, he had things to be guilty about, he had helped the boy down a path that perhaps he wasn’t ready for. He didn’t deserve anyone. He certainly shouldn’t be caring for anyone. He didn’t deserve his...life. Kakashi shook his head, he couldn’t go down this train of thought, he wasn’t his father. He had made a promise to himself...to them. “Just calm down. Get them home and stop fucking up.” He muttered to himself, clenching and unclenching his fists.

He saw Itachi bent over the water line of a half-frozen lake, a towel underneath him and another wrapped around him. He was meticulously and methodically running his fingers and some type of liquid soap through his long dark hair, each part carefully sectioned off. The child’s face was showing the slightest hint of frustration. 

Kakashi laughed quietly, letting his presence be known to the younger boy as he walked towards the water line. The child’s eyes flitted towards him, and immediately went back down, seemingly focusing even more at the task at hand. 

He saw the boy was slightly wet, his Anbu uniform carefully folded on his back beside him. “You bathed?” He said conversationally, kneeling. He repressed an involuntary shudder, as the snow pressed against his pants. He glanced at the chunks of ice floating in the water. “Isn’t it a bit cold for that?”

Itachi said nothing, simply shrugging as he pushed another section of his hair back.

Kakashi sighed, looking down at the icy, black water. He inhaled, before unceremoniously shoving his entire head into the water. The cold sent an intense jolt through him, but it was welcome, sleepiness immediately shaken by the freezing water touching his face. He sighed, running ran his hands through his hair, and splashing more water on his face. 

Kakashi sighed, somehow enjoying the cold air assaulting his already cold face. It made it hard to think about anything but how cold he was, which was nice. He glanced back over to Itachi, who’s hair was now up. The boy was roughly scrubbing stains out of his uniform. Likely blood. That child’s blood. Itachi’s usual, measured and systematic way of doing things seemed slightly off. Just a little erratic, but enough for Kakashi to notice. Kakashi ran his hand through his hair, sighing. A few seconds of reprieve was all he got before the tendrils if guilt gripped him again. This was his fault. He put a hand on the kid’s shoulder. It was so bony a flash of concern ended up running through him. “Does he eat enough? I need to make sure he eats.” He was disconnected from the sudden thought when the boy jolted from his grasp, looking at him. 

“Captain?” His expression was blank, and his tone was neutral. For someone so young he was incredibly difficult to read at times. Still, Kakashi felt this was a defensive tactic, he had similar. He felt that gut feeling of nervousness for the child bloom again. “He’s too sensitive for the Anbu. He’s changing. He’s not doing well here...” The tiny dissident voice in his head made its presence known again, but he shoved it down. Itachi was doing fine in the Anbu, and he would let it go in time. All he needed was some time. After all, hadn’t he only needed time? You could get used to anything after awhile. 

“We’re leaving soon, we’ve stayed too long here already, get dressed and meet me at the entrance of the shelter.”

Itachi nodded. “Yes Captain.” He murmured softly. With that he left. 

//////

Once they all were together they made the short journey to the docks in silence. Today was warmer, and Kakashi felt a little better. Kakashi had told them he would be a bit of a ways away from them, in case of attackers, any straggling members of the rebellion trying to get one last hit in it wouldn’t be an ambush. In truth, anyone who attacked any one of them would likely be committing suicide, and they all knew it. In truth he wanted to be alone with his thoughts, he couldn’t mess up if he wasn’t actually near them. So he was hopping along the treeline, while Itachi and Tenzo walked along the road, relatively certain no one would dare attack them. The bloodbath they’d caused earlier in their journey likely well known by this time, this land was small, and the purpose had been to end it in one brutal swoop.

 

He watched them walk in silence, Tenzo trying to make small talk and the smaller boy letting every attempt die in the air. It was a bit comical really. He’d been like that too as a kid, though for very different reasons. Kakashi could see a smaller version of himself in his mind’s eye, pointedly ignoring well meaning people. He frowned. Suddenly his eyes were pulled down the pathway.

To his absolute shock, standing on the dock, 18 men stood in the middle of the road, armed and in tattered rebel uniforms. There was an air of desperation to them Kakashi could feel all the way from the trees.

“We’re going to kill you bastards!” Growled what Kakashi perceived to be the leader. 

“Don’t do this.” Itachi’s calm, cold, and measured voice rung out, louder and sharper then he ever would speak normally. It was a warning. Kakashi repeated the sentiment in his head, his grip on the tree tightening, his nails digging into rough bark. “Don’t do this. Don’t do this. Don’t do this.”

The men charged. 

Kakashi pulled his Anbu mask down and hopped onto the snowy road, chidori crackling from his palm. He felt the familiar yet always surreal feeling of it buzzing in his ears, in his very bones. He saw the red glow of the sharingan from his left and thick blocks of wood flash out on his right.

It was over before it started.

////////////

 

As they waited for the boat, Tenzo shifted uncomfortably. His uniform had been dirty before, and now he was caked with blood. His long brown hair, looked almost auburn due to the amount of blood he had on him.

“Go jump in the water Tenzo.” Kakashi said dryly, sitting beside the edge of the dock himself and quickly washing his hands of the gore. He just wanted to be home. 

“But it’s gonna be cold! Look! There’s ice everywhere!” Tenzo whined, looking at the dark endless depths unhappily. Kakashi noted Tenzo was already over the incident that had occurred maybe 20 minutes ago. That root training was something else. It made him admittedly a little angry. Angry at the root. Angry at Tenzo. Angry at Danzo...Angry he couldn’t be the same. Kakashi wished he could just forget. It seemed like a gift more then a curse at times like this.

He turned, shooting him a look colder then the environment around them. “If you didn’t want to need to maybe you should’ve been more careful about how much blood was getting on you. Look at Itachi.”

Tenzo glanced at the smaller boy, sitting neatly on a bench along the bloodied docks. He was carefully braiding and unbraiding his hair, no expression on his face. He indeed did not have a drop of blood on him, and looked out of place surrounded by the blood and gore. A little civilian child who’d gotten lost. 

Tenzo deflated at Kakashi’s glare, and gingerly dipped himself into the half-frozen water, uniform and all. “It’s SO cold Kakashi!” The boy practically wailed. Kakashi ignored him, noting the red sailed junk boat they were meant to get on was here. It didn’t usually take passengers, but the Leaf had worked something out with this company to smuggle them back into the Land of Fire. It would be smooth sailing from here, well, hopefully. 

He gestured for Itachi to follow him, and they walked up to the captain.

“I see you had some troubles,” The captain joked, gesturing towards the bodies on the road and dock. Kakashi nodded, pushing Itachi onboard. “I’ll be right back.” Itachi tilted his head in acknowledgment, standing stock still in the exact place Kakashi had left him.

The man nodded. “We’re leaving in 3 with or without you, we don’t want anyone from this land to see we’re aiding the Leaf. Though it looks like you took care of onlookers.” He said with a cold laugh.

Kakashi nodded, quickly running back to the end of the dock.

“Get out. We’re leaving.” Tenzo jumped at the order, happy to get out of the freezing water. He pulled out a blanket, handing it to the other teen, and he wrapped it around himself gratefully. He boarded after Tenzo, carefully settling them both at the end of the boat with the supplies. It would at least obscure people’s sight, so they wouldn’t notice too many people on the boat. “Don’t talk to each other the rest of the journey. It’s too noisy. Just pretend we don’t know each other until we’re back on land,” He instructed. Itachi nodded immediately. Tenzo looked a bit sad, but assented as well.

With this Kakashi walked away, towards where the captain was steering and looked back towards the land. The icy grey dock was slicked with blood, mostly from Tenzo’s liberal use of his woodstyle, a messier lethal technique then Itachi’s or his own. He tried to not focus on any of the bodies, some horrifically disfigured. Instead the man turned, walking to the other side of the small boat. The sea air felt nice on his face, and even though he didn’t deserve it, he could allow himself it for the moment. 

Both his teammates were both safe, and alive, that’s what mattered. No matter how bad things had gotten, it was fine. He looked towards the supplies. He could see Tenzo sprawled out on the wooden deck, blanket wrapped around him. He was reading his book with an utterly scandalized expression on his face. He smiled. His eyes flitted towards the other boy. He was sitting in the same position he’d placed him in, sans his head was in his hands. His grip tightened on the handrails. “Things are looking up, they were going home.” He insisted to himself. There was no need to bother himself with the kid, he was alive, and even if he did what would he say to comfort him? The same cycle of thoughts whirled in his head, and he pointedly ignored it. There was nothing he could do. He couldn’t help anyone. The more he “helped” people, the more people he hurt. 

Soon, they’d been home. Where Kakashi would be responsible for no one but himself. He’d be alone, like he wanted. No, like he deserved, he corrected. Kakashi closed his eyes. When he was alone....he imagined handsigns in his head. It would be so easy. Anbu were not allowed to be captured, the information they often carried/simply knew was far too classified. So they were taught a suicidal technique to immediately set them aflame if needed. It was 100% lethal. He had learned it when he was 13. Tenzo even before that. Kakashi had personally taught it to Itachi, who he remembered watching, face completely impassive as he explained for him to memorize the signs. That had been a mere 3 months ago. He was ten.

Kakashi knew he wouldn’t though, even though the fantasy constantly hung heavy around him, especially now. How could he face his sensei, or Obito in the afterlife if he did such a thing. And he knew exactly who would find the bit of dust that would be left. There was only one man who visited his apartment almost everyday. Insistently pulling him out of his dark apartment. He’d be the one. Kakashi couldn’t do that to him. He knew all too well how that felt. He couldn’t do that to any of them, Tenzo and Itachi too didn’t deserve it. Unfortunately, he had people he had to think about yet again. He was like a blackhole....

Tenzo’s horrified gasp fortunately broke him from his train of thought. A book went flying at his head. Kakashi knew he could dodge it, but that would mean one of his few prized possessions, a book Jiraiya sensei had given to him personally would go flying into the water. So he let it hit him, and immediately a dull pain bloomed from the back of his head. He rubbed it and turned to look at the other teen. 

“Hm?”

“Just let me kiss you?! That’s in your stupid book!”

Kakashi laughed noncommittally. 

“Is it?”

“You’re so gross!” 

Tenzo looked utterly betrayed, and it was terrible, but it made Kakashi want to laugh. He bit his lip. He wondered when Jiraiya would be back in the village, he was sure to get a laugh out of his pick up line working. He’d omit that it was on a boy, and he was incredibly sheltered with such things. Maybe the old man was a “romantic” after all.

He noticed even Itachi’s head was up, his little face turned slightly upwards, as if he was listening intently, his eyebrows knit in confusion. He smiled. Kakashi could tell the boy didn’t know he was being watched, and it was good to see him reacting to something. 

“Stop talking.” He ordered lightly.

Tenzo sulked, glaring at him before turning away. Itachi’s eyes flitted between the two of them, before his head disappeared back behind the supplies.

They were safe, and alive. They were all going home. Everything was fine.

“You had things to live for, wonderful things!” He imagined Gai saying it in his head, a bright smile on his face as he warmly stared at him.

Gai. Kakashi sighed, leaning his head back towards the sky. He knew it was selfish, and that he didn’t deserve him, but he missed him. He exhaled. Leaving the land was like a weight was leaving him. It was how he felt after every Anbu mission. He keep dwelling on thoughts of his stupid, immature friend, rather then continue to drift, scattered on many topics that each lead him back to say the same dark conclusions. Thinking of Gai never did that. He could think about him now, at least for awhile. A reward for keeping everyone alive. He scanned the endless expanse of blue. Kakashi couldn’t wait to be home.

**Author's Note:**

> Umm this is supposed to take place after the Land of Frost incident in Itachi’s Story (I took out Sugaru bc...I hate him) but I just feel Like where Kakashi is emotionally at this Period is a nightmare that’s the only way I can justify him being like “kill this sobbing 12 year old Itachi” Bc he’s in such a bad way himself, I think at this time period Kakashi was attempting (shout out to Might Gai) to pull away from everyone and everything and his way of justifying maybe not being The Best leader/friend/falling into self destructive habits is ...I am keeping them Alive. Bc he’s so afraid of losing more people. and like ya Im trying to depict how traumatized they all are intheir own ways, Yamato is too even if he likes not aware (which makes his behavior imo kinda childish and underdeveloped— he learned how to Be a Person through mimicry.) I mean he was raised in such a dysfunctional nightmare of a way and idk I feel like it’s unfortunate but Yamato and Kakashi’s dynamic is very funny and silly in canon but also Yamato cares for Kakashi so much ....and I’m sure Yams cared for Itachi too. they don’t have Tenzo and Itachi livherally communicate in the book/canon and that’s such a Waste. Yamato would Try with them both idc why anyone says he’s just Mad Fucked Up but yeah...and writing this stuff makes me think about how Itachi was changed post Anbu and How much being in the Anbu fucked him up like it says in the canon he looked up to Kakashi and it’s like...no wonder his Persona as an Adult is so......Cruel? When he’s so gentle...like this point changed him and it’s so sad bc I love Kakashi so much and he’s dealing with his own pain but like I often think Kakashi is...very nuanced as a character like...he’s selfish at times but is very kind....he can be very mean while also being very caring and like...as time goes on he gets much better about a lot of things but teenaged Kakashi is so sad and it’s sad that Itachi looked up to him so much like Good bc Finally a Kind Adult in Itachi’s life but No bc Kakashi is literally just newly 18 a dumb sad trauma baby himself and dkdkfm ugh these Traumatized Kids. I mean Kakashi grows so much from this point in writing him at his worst...ummm also yeah idk it’s gonna remai more or less innocent bc I am a prude but they’ll prob be more kakayama stuff in this bc when you throw emotionally stunted children together clamboring for any semblance of love and normalcy mmm yeah I see them having a lil thing during Anbu time especially the way Yamato looks up to Kakashi so much like that’s his first nonroot bond and yeah but umm it’s not really that mutual ...Kakashi loves one man he just doesn’t wanna admit to himself yet so if you’re super invested in that uhh this stories not for you really it’s not about the ships about the trio of sadness anyway I’m rambling I love Kakashi I love team Ro their just a mess anyway it’s gonna get sad again but like...I love them so much I love my kids If I have to singlehandedly make team ro content with my annoying voice I will they’re all fascinating characters and I love them 
> 
> Ok 👋


End file.
